Chili The Hunter
Yes, cats are very special animals.
But Chili, the calico cat from Sector 77 in the suburb of 'Vredehoek', Cape Town is extraordinary.
At the age of 5 months, she earned herself the nickname Chili 'The Hunter'! Not only has she, in her very short life, stared down a fat tomcat 7 times her size, but she also climbed a massive avocado tree to the thin branches at the top where she confronted a few bewildered birds. But it is her exceptional hunting skills that made her famous in a very short time.
Her totem pole of kills looks like this:
5 x Flies
2 x Butterflies
1 x Sun bug
1 x Cockroach (one of those massive flying ones)
2 x Gecko's
1 x Ringneck dove
Rumours about her existence within the Fridge Warrior underworld have spread far and wide. Since the humans in house 34, Sector 77 brought her home there has not been one battle underneath their fridge. Yes, they have magic dust balls to throw at her with their blowpipes, but will it be enough against 'The Hunter' with her psychic whiskers?
Chili is sitting upright on the wall. Her beautiful calico fur is enhanced by the rays of the afternoon sun. She seems to be relaxed, but her eyes are constantly scanning her surrounding area. Her quick feet and balancing tail ready within a split second to pounce on an unsuspecting prey that would dare to wander within striking distance of her nails.
She is dangerous and she knows it. You can see it in the way she jumps off the wall and walk along the pathway towards the human house. There is a swagger in her walk that tells the outside world; 'I have arrived', and, 'You should be afraid of me'.
She reaches the kitchen door and allows one of the humans to briefly scratch behind her ear before settling down on a dark green chair for an afternoon nap. She needs to rest now, tonight she will be hunting again...
Two-Toe-Bob has got a sheepish smile on his face. Since lunchtime, he has been sitting at an outdoor café with Kabbak. (Well, it can't be an outdoor café if it's underground now, can it? Still, it's 'outside' close to the pathway that our little Viking friends use to walk around the maze of tunnels they call home)
They have been enjoying some beers and good conversation until the lights went down. The café owner had to scramble around to get all the fire torches lit while he was cursing 'Eishkom' for not maintaining the solar panels up in the human world. Seriously, why is he paying a monthly fee to them if there is hardly any service delivery?
"What do you make of all of this", asks Two-Toe-Bob with a slur in his voice.
"Of what? The 'Eishkom' problem?" Kabbak sounds irritated. "I don't worry about that anymore; I am focused on something else.
"Really? And what would that be my dear friend?"
"Chili The Hunter…." He says calmly and without fear, but there was respect in his voice as well.
Two-Toe-Bob is silent….
"So, it's true then?", he asks after another sip of beer.
"It's true, and we are going to face her tomorrow night", says Kabbak with determination in his eyes.
"Kabbak, there has been no battle underneath the fridge of that house for over a month! Not just that, but the ABO (approved battlefield organization) cannot find two clans that are willing to fight each other underneath that fridge. According to Fridge Warrior Viking Law, no clan is allowed to go up to the human world without engaging in battle with another clan. Those are the rules.."
Silence.
"Samson will fight us", says Kabbak while thinking back to the time when he and Ella had their swords against the throat of Samson's wife, Sharon".
"Two-Toe! Listen to me and listen to me closely; Send word to the Mcbuntel Clan and tell them I, Kabbak-The-Brave, together with the legendary fighters of the McSword Clan, challenge Samson and his band of misfits to a battle underneath human house 34, Sector 77 in the suburb of Vredehoek!"
Two-Toe-Bob leaps up from the table and stands at attention next to Kabbak. His eyes were big and his head spun from all the beers he has been feeding his tiny body.
"Yes sir!", he screams before falling backwards and passing out next to the table.
Kabbak looks at him in disgust.
"Ok, seems like I will have to deliver the message myself…".
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Samson immediately accepted the challenge. The chance to settle the score with the McSword Clan completely overshadows the potentially dangerous environment of Chili The Hunter. He sends word to his warriors to ready themselves for yet another titanic battle to defend their pride and possibly return with some loot.
His thoughts drift back to his beautiful wife, Sharon. He is also thinking of the fact that he only recently noticed her beauty after he suffered from an attack of jealousy. This of course happened during the previous battle with the McSword Clan. Sharon and Erik-The-Handsome (part of the enemy) fell in love on the battlefield and it led to the McSword Clan winning the battle. Samson was consumed by jealousy and for the first time since they got married, Samson looked at his wife with different eyes. For the first time since the, arranged, marriage Samson was in love. With his wife.
He also made the grave mistake to lock her up in a dungeon out of fear that she would get hurt on the battlefield. Now it's time to let her out and make his true feelings known to her. But how will she react to being locked up and then having a love declaration thrown at her? Women are a strange phenomenon you know, not just in the Fridge Warrior world but also in the human world as well.
So, when Samson walked into her cell he was prepared for her attack. After all, he was the one that locked her up, because he suddenly fell in love with her!? Well, he was suddenly 'in love' with her and then he locked her up. This does not make sense, does it?
As soon as he flings open the door, she greeted him with a left hook swing that spectacularly connected with his jaw. Bewildered he took a step back and try to focus, but it was too late. She already grabbed his battle axe from his belt and are now tossing it from hand to hand while deciding which of his body parts she wants to cut off.
"Sharon, my love.." says Samson in a pathetic way.
"Don't you 'my love', me! She screams and swings the axe towards his left arm. Steel collides with bone and there is a 'cracking' sound.
Samson drops down to his knees. Holding his arm and screaming with the pain he readies himself for the death blow…
Sharon towers above him, holding the axe high. The urge to strike him is big and for a moment time stands still. As if the directors ordered a slow-motion version of this scene.
Slowly she lowers the axe and tries to get her breathing under control.
"You bastard", she whispers. "Why did you lock me up?"
"Because I'm in love with you", comes the answer from a teary-eyed Samson.
"I don't want you to get hurt on the battlefield…" he says, making contact with her eyes.
"Oh…" is the response from the stunned Sharon.
"Your arm ok", she asks out of necessity.
"I think it's broken".
"Good".
What?"
"Should I break the other one too?", she asks and lift the axe.
"No, please, don't…I'm sorry for locking you up.., please forgive me."
Samson is surprised at his own words. Never in his life has he ever told a woman that he is in love with her and never in his life has he asked anybody to forgive him for something he has done to that person. What is happening to him? What is this 'love' thing?
"No battle with a broken arm…", he thinks to himself.
Sharon is still looking at him in disbelief. "Let's go home", she says and throws his axe in front of him on the floor.
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A Representative of the ABO (Approved Battlefield Organization) is standing underneath the ropes leading up to human house 34, Sector 77 in the suburb of Vredehoek! Climbing the ropes will take you to the trapdoors under the fridge of this house. Once you open the trapdoors you will be greeted by an obstacle and dust-free (thanks to 'the scrapers') battlefield.
Together with the ABO representative is the entire McSword Clan. They are armed to the teeth and battle ready. Fighting the McBruntel Clan and possibly meeting Chili The Hunter is a very big deal. Kabbak, Ella, Two-Toe-Bob, Erik-The-Handsome and all the other Fridge Warriors are focused and ready... The only problem is..their opponents have not yet arrived. According to Fridge Warriors / Viking law, no Clan is allowed to go up to the human world without fighting another clan for the right to do so. And of course, the ABO is there to oversee things and record history as it happens.
At exactly 11 pm (the standard time for Fridge Battles to take place) Samson and Sharon make a grand entrance on a four-wheel wagon pulled by two massive, drugged ants. With no sign of the rest of their clan, they get off the wagon and walk up to the ABO representative and exchange a few words. The ABO Representative, a man called Sven, looks back at the McSword clan and signals to Kabbak and Ella to come and join the conversation.
Sharon is wearing tight black pants, but instead of her usual steel, breastplate and leather jacket, she is wearing a light blue blouse. Her hair is hanging loose over her shoulders and neither her sword nor battle axe is anywhere to be seen.
Samson's left arm is in a sling and his right hand is holding his sword. Both Kabbak and Ella join them with big question marks on their faces.
Sven starts the proceedings.
"Due to personal injury, and other factors, The McBruntel Clan has decided to forfeit tonight's battle", he says calmly while smiling at Kabbak.
"According to the Fridge Warrior law, this makes their opponent an automatic winner and gives them the right to go and plunder the human house on top.
Kabbak and Ella are speechless. This must be the most bizarre thing that has ever happened in the tunnels. Is the McBruntel Clan raising a white flag?
Samson clears his throat.
"We will stand down tonight to fight another day", he says with a sheepish look on his face. He then raises his sword and presents it to Kabbak.
"Please take this with you tonight as you will be facing a new enemy. Nobody has faced Chili-The-Hunter before. Tonight, you will represent all the clans."
Kabbak accepts the sword with a nod in Samson's direction.
Silence.
"Well, that's it then", says Sven. "You are welcome to grab the ropes and ascend to the human world", he says to Kabbak and then thinks of all the paperwork he must do now. The work of an ABO Officer is never finished...
The leaders of the McBruntel Clan hop back on their ant wagon and disappear in a tunnel.
"That was easy", says Ella.
"Now comes the difficult part", says Kabbak.
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Within minutes the whole clan climb the ropes and access the deserted battlefield. The plan is simple, once inside the human house they will split into three teams.
Team 1, led by Erik-The-Handsome will locate the humans and pepper them with magic dust if possible.
Team 2, led by Ella, will enter the kitchen and search for anything edible or useful that can be sold back in the tunnels.
Team 3, consisting only of Kabbak and Two-Toe-Bob will go looking for Chili-The-Hunter.
What can go wrong?
All is quiet in the house except for some world-class snoring coming from the main bedroom. The cat is nowhere to be seen.
Team 1 is satisfied that the humans are asleep but bitterly disappointed that they have short toenails and no toe fungi to speak of.
Team 2 has got better luck in the kitchen with a bag of rice and a loose teabag lying on a countertop.
Team 3 has got no luck and cannot locate the cat anywhere. They scanned the area thoroughly (or so they thought) and came up empty-handed.
Kabbak and Two-Toe are both walking around with their blowpipes at the ready. If this hunter cat appears they will slap her with magic dust balls as quickly as they can.
"Are you scared?", asks Kabbak in a whisper voice.
"No…", comes the reply from Two-Toe".
"Then why are you entertaining me with little farts?"
"Chili con carne".
"No, she is called Chili-The-Hunter".
"I mean I ate chili con carne, that's why my bum is a trumpet".
"Oh…" says Kabbak and signals to Two-Toe-Bob to follow him down the hallway.
"PPrrrrtttt", says Two-Toe-Bob's bum.
"Shhhhttttt", says Kabbak.
"And who are you?" says a sultry voice behind them.
In a half-frozen state, our little heroes turn around and are confronted with the apparent enemy. Their blow pipes and their magic dust were completely forgotten. Chili-The-Hunter is centimetres from them, they can smell her breath. Their eyes are fixed on the dead gecko hanging from her mouth.
"PPrrrrtttt", says Two-Toe's bum.
"Do you have to do that?", asks Chili, who rolls her eyes and then drops the dead gecko in front of them.
"Are you going to kill us?", asks the fearless Viking warrior.
"You are not on my preferred list of dinner items."
"How come you can understand us?"
"How come you can understand me?"
"Don't know"
"Don't know either."
"Who are you?", asks Kabbak as if he wants confirmation.
"Chili, but the humans call me Chili-The-Hunter. Who are you?"
"I am Kabbak, this is Two-Toe-Bob", we are Fridge Warriors.
"Interesting".
They stare at each other.
The tension is so thick it almost suffocates them.
"Hey, do u guys wanna play?" Chili disfigures her face with some sort of a smile.
"Huh?"
"Look, I have a good thing going with the humans, but they are super boring. Yes, they feed me and clean after me, but they don't know how to have fun."
"So, you are not going to kill us, but you want us to play with you?"
"Yes".
It is at that moment that the dead gecko comes back to life and tries to make a run for it. Unfortunately for him, Chili is much faster and with quick paw-mouth action, the gecko is no more.
"Come, get on my back and hold tight, I will take you back to your friends in the kitchen and we can all play together". Chili lowers her head so that the Vikings can climb on and sit on her neck. Wide-eyed and a little nervous they climb aboard and grab hold of her fur.
Now, see the scenario from the viewpoint of Team 1 & 2 currently loading rice grains in the kitchen. Suddenly Chili-The-Hunter appears around the corner with Kabbak and Two-Toe-Bob sitting on her neck waving at them. I mean, hello! Within a split second, their social-credit score went through the roof!
"It's all good guys, kitty wants to play…"
THE FRIDGE WARRIORS ARE PROUDLY SPONSORED BY Sidewalk Africa Travels
