How To Reinvent Yourself. (Psst..focus on menu planning)

How To Reinvent Yourself. (Psst..focus on menu planning)
Photo by Brooke Lark / Unsplash
I am guilty as charged.

Crime? Overindulgence.

Sentence: Unwanted belly fat for an undisclosed period.

Emotional state: Semi-depressed and self-conscious about appearance.

Waking up in a coastal city, not long ago, I would start my day with 5 cups of coffee, greasy eggs coated with grated mozzarella cheese, and a slice of bacon! I know right, what was I thinking? By 10.30 AM I was hungry again and reached for the baguette and peanut butter to get me through the morning. Washed it down with another coffee and promised myself that I would go running the next day. (Although I knew it would not happen)

Dinner would consist of Coke, steak, and a baked potato (sounds like the order of table no 3 at the local Grill), while there was a 2L double cream ice cream waiting in the fridge.

And so, the days went by. One vicious cycle after the other. More coffee, more cheese, more ice cream, and more belly fat… I knew I needed to change, and fast. I needed to reinvent myself and realized that one of the building blocks to achieve that is a make-over of my daily menu. However, there was some sort of guerilla warfare going on in our home. I would make up my mind that from tomorrow on wards I would stick to a plan and avoid all the naughty menu items, but when I would open a cupboard there was a slab of chocolate staring at me.

Open the fridge and there was a big block of mozzarella cheese staring at me. Open the freezer and some terrorist group replaced the empty 2L double cream ice cream with a new one! Who were these skilled military men operating under the cloak of darkness, filling our home with fattening food items and playing yo-yo with our self-discipline? I was determined to find out. I decided to eat the 2L double cream ice cream (to lure the terrorist group into making an appearance) set a camera trap and wait.

I bought a stun gun, pepper spray and contemplated getting two Rottweilers for personal protection as I did not know how big the group was.

Guerilla warfare is no joke and I have seen some movies in my life you know. I was ready, armed to the teeth and sporting a new pair of blue jeans (the previous pair now too small for my growing belly) I waited for the beep-beep of my warning system to tell me that the camera trap was activated by the terrorist group. And it happened, on a Tuesday at 11.47 AM. I rushed home, stopped with screeching tires, and ran through the front door and into the kitchen with guns blazing while screaming: "AAAAAAAHHHHHH GOT YOU!"

Nothing. The kitchen was empty apart from my wife standing at the table with a few shopping bags. Now looking at me in a bewildered and frightened state while the effect of the pepper spray is starting to dawn on both of us. She starts screaming and throwing me with bananas. "What in heavens name is wrong with YOU!!"

"I'm sorry darling," I said in a semi-whisper voice, "I thought you were a terrorist!"

"A What?" she screams, now looking like a WWE fighter with blood-red eyes and 'cannibal' written all over her forehead.

"A Bloody Terrorist?!", she asks with murder in her voice.

"Yes Dear," I replied while trying to hide in the broom closet. There is steam coming out of her nostrils and my hope of surviving this ordeal is slowly diminishing. I saw her reaching for the knife drawer and I knew I was in big trouble. Do I zap her with the stun gun or do I go down like a man? Facing the terror and the punishment I deserve for spraying my wife full shot in the face with pepper spray and accusing her of being a terrorist, I deserved death.

I dropped the stun gun on the floor, closed my eyes, and waited for the attack. I was ready.

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Nothing happened.

I opened my eyes and saw that she was gone. I heard noises in the bathroom and realized that she must be rinsing her eyes. Comforted by a short relieve from the madness, I decided to check the camera and almost had a stroke when I saw the picture that was snapped of the 'terrorist'. There was the leader of the guerilla warfare group, the mastermind of the fattening cycle of my belly – MY WIFE. There she is in full view of the camera with a brand new 2L double cream ice cream about to be put in the freezer.

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Shocked to my core I collapsed on the kitchen floor. Trembling with the realization of the truth, my loving, petite little wife was a terrorist!

Months of counseling followed and somehow our marriage survived. ;-)

Bacon and mozzarella cheese were replaced with Oatmeal, Almond butter, Greek yogurt, chia seeds, and Avocado.

My 10.30 AM craving for peanut butter and bread was replaced with a Spicy Mango & Avocado Rice Bowl.

My Coke, steak, and potato dinners were replaced with Skinless Chicken Strips, Broccoli, and Sweet Potato.

Yes, on weekends I am sometimes naughty with a strip of bacon and a lick of ice cream, but I found the trick. If I eat 90% of the time healthy, energy-boosting meals my pants size decrease. Then it does not matter if I eat naughty things 10% of the time.

I needed to reinvent myself and I realized that one of the building blocks in doing so is to take a long hard look at my menu planning.

Do you have a food terrorist in your home?

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