Love On The Battlefield

Love On The Battlefield

Fridge Warriors: Chapter 4


There is a lot of excitement in the tunnels.

The A.B.O (Approved Battlefield Organisation) recently approved a new human house in Sector 44 under the suburb of Woodstock. Its approval means that, according to tiny Viking law, fridge battles are allowed to be fought here. You see without the A.B.O. managing the battlefields, it would be extreme chaos in the Viking world. For starters, there would be a lot more deaths. The A.B.O organise medical teams that wait underneath the ropes that lead to the battlefields. Once a battle is over, they immediately climb up the ropes with their small medical packs to go and attend to the wounded. Many years ago some of the wounded would go to the afterlife because they did not get proper medical care right after a battle.

These medical teams are extremely specialised and can lower the wounded in small stretchers down the ropes back into the tunnels where the ground crew would then transport them to the closest medical facility. Medical treatment is a big business in the Viking world, especially if you can sew back limbs and ears.

Now the A.B.O. has approved a new battlefield, they appointed a specific medical team to that house and a small security company to guard the ropes underneath the fridge. (to prevent illegal battles from taking place – small Vikings need structure and discipline) This specific house has now been approved because it came to light that two elderly humans moved in two months prior, and that means lots of toenail fungi and dirty kitchens with lots of crumbs on the kitchen floor. (oldies don't clean that much)

They published the dates for the next two months of battles and appointed a clean-up team to prepare the battlefield for the first clash.

The clean-up team, called 'The Scrapers', are a special bunch of Dust Warriors. Unlike in the human world, these cleaners are earning big salaries. Not only are they battling an enormous amount of dust under the fridges, but there is also the risk of rodents, cats and dogs in an unfamiliar house. Part of their job description is not only to clean and prepare the new battlefield but also to scout around the place and record the number of pets they see. This does require them to venture out from underneath the fridge and expose themselves to the dangers of the human world.


Two-Toe-Bob is standing outside a small coffee shop in Sector 44, Woodstock. He is part of a large crowd looking at and discussing a big notice displayed in the shop window. It's from the A.B.O. They have identified a new battlefield and two Fridge Warrior Clans have already been earmarked to be the first to fight for the right to raid and plunder. Samson and Sharon lead the McBruntel Clan & Kabbak and Ella lead the Mcsword Clan.

"What time does the battle start?", asks Eric, a fellow warrior of the McSword Clan.

"11 pm, as usual. Why will you make it or not?", asks Two-Toe-Bob.

"I have a date with a girl from the McCrimini Clan", says Erick with a smile.

"WHAT?", Two-Toe-Bob is shaken. "Are you mad? You can get hanged for that! Date within your clan!"

(Erik is an unmarried, super handsome, 2.2cm little Viking. The talk-of-the-town and on the lips of all the single ladies of the McSword Clan. And, apparently also on the minds of other ladies from other Clans as well. Think of him as Enrique Iglesias, but only a bit smaller and with a sword instead of a microphone)

"Oh, don't be so conservative Two-Toe..!, it's just a date. Maybe a kiss, that's it!"

"And where will you be having this date?",

"I'm taking her to watch a Gladiator show in Sector 77, Sea Point", says Erik proudly.

"Sea Point!? You will never be back in time", says Two-Toe while sounding like a mother.

"Relax, ok, just relax. I will make it. I will take the *Super-Ant-Highway. I will go on my date tonight, kiss the girl and I will still be in time to fight side by side with you against The Mcbruntels," he says reassuringly.

(*The Super-Ant-Highway is a very fast transport system that the Fridge Warriors have invented. Although some animal rights organisations are making a lot of noise against these highways, they are still very popular and very lucrative for construction companies.
You see, the Vikings have figured out that they can breed with ants. Their magic dust make the ants super submissive and willing to do anything for the Viking breeders. So they teamed up with a construction company that built a secondary tunnel system on top of the existing one. This tunnel system is slightly bigger (allowing two-way traffic and an emergency lane) and is linked with all the major suburbs.
They also figured out that if they rub a small amount of 'skull Dog' (brewed in secret in dark laboratories and similar to turpentine which burns like hell when applied on sensitive areas) on the bums of the ants they run very, very fast. So, they tie two ants in front of a streamlined little wagon, whack them with some 'skull Dog' cream and voila! They have a money-making machine. Vikings from all over the place line up to enjoy this fast mode of transport.)

Sharon is busy combing her long black hair while looking at herself in the mirror. She is pretty and she knows it. Although her obvious beauty has always been commented on, she has never really used it for romance. Her marriage of convenience to Samson has worked out well so far. It brought two families together and it strengthened their Clan, which was the ultimate goal.

Samson is sitting in the opposite corner. Ha has been sharpening his sword for over half an hour. There is a serious and determined look on his face. He always gets grumpy before battles. Suddenly he lets go of a thunderous fart and then strikes up a conversation with Sharon.

"Ready for tonight?"

"Ugh Samson, you are such a pig! we are not underneath a human fridge at the moment, ok?"

"I know", he says and lets go of another healthy fart, this one louder than the first. "So, are you ready?"

"YES! Pighead! Yes, I am ready" screams Sharon and throws her hairbrush at him.

"Easy tiger, keep your aggression for the battle tonight, we are fighting Kabbak and Ella."

"Yes, I know. Seems they have been getting stronger and stronger. They have become worthy opponents."

Samson, now standing and holding Sharon's hair brush, declares: "We are the leaders of the Mcbruntel Clan! We are the undefeated Fridge Warriors of the Cape Town underworld. We are the best and we will always be the best. Tonight we will fight underneath the fridge of human house 44 in Pukka str in the suburb of Woodstock!"

"YES! YES!", shouts Sharon. "We will fight and we will be victorious. We will cut off their ears and we will show it to them! We will break their tiny arms and we will use their swords against them," she screams and Samson carries on:

"YES!, we will defeat them and win the right to be the first to raid this new house. We will force their pets into submission and together we will plunder and steal rice grains, oats, pieces of fruit, bread crumbs, peanut butter, shiitake mushrooms and of course the ultimate prize………!"

"Fungi from the old human's toenails!" says Sharon softly with a smile.

"Let's get ready for tonight…."

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Two-Toe-Bob is standing underneath the ropes leading up to human house 44, Pukka str in Woodstock, Cape Town. He is chatting to the leaders of the McSword Clan, Kabbak and Ella.

"We have been waiting a long time for this battle," says Two-Toe. "Fighting the McBruntels is any Fridge Warrior Clan's dream," he says while glancing behind to see if Erik has arrived yet back from his date.

"We are prepared," says Kabbak in a serious way.

"We are all running low on magic dust and other supplies, we need to win tonight," says Ella with an equally serious look on her face. "If we are the first Clan to raid this new house we will gain a lot of respect from other Clans."

Kabbak and Two-Toe nod their heads in recognition of her statement.

"Hey wazzup my friends!?". Erik has now joined them in the front row underneath the ropes. He looks super happy and is sporting a red mark on his neck….

"Hey, Erik. What's up with you, why do you look so happy?", asks Two-Toe.

"Shut up!", whispers Kabbak with authority in his voice. "The McBruntels have arrived, let's go up to the battlefield.

Simultaneously the two clans start climbing the ropes up to the battlefield. Each side has got its entrance on opposite sides of the fridge. There are already numerous spectators on the perimeter holding onto solar flashlights and fire torches. The stage is set. The stakes are high, and the prize is also high but it is the prestige of winning this battle that is the highest. The battle is about to begin.

After a short staring competition it is Kabbak that breaks the silence with a blood-curdling scream.

"Aaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!", he screams with his sword raised and his eyes full of rage. He leads the McSword Clan into battle with one goal and one goal only, kill or capture one of the leaders. (according to Fridge Warrior law that signals the end of the battle. If one side can capture the other side's leader then the battle is over)

The battle is now in full swing and the crowd is going crazy. Kabbak, Ella, Two-Toe-Bob and Erik The Handsome are all fighting side by side. Sharon and her inner circle are moving closer to them. She is chopping off ears left right and centre and is equally eager to win this battle. Suddenly she comes face to face with Erik The Handsome and EVERYTHING changes. As if the battle around her is now happening in super slow motion but her heart is beating super-fast.

Sharon has never seen such a handsome Viking in her life! She has never actually noticed any Viking romantically until today. Love-at-first-sight! Sharon the cold-blooded, mean and dark leader of the McBruntel Clan finds herself completely defenceless and in love. Although she is having a sword fight with Erik, neither of them is giving it their best shot. Could Erik The Handsome feel the same way?

"Erik!!!", shouts Kabbak.


"Finish her! Cut her ear off!"

"I can't!", shouts Erik while looking into her beautiful eyes.

The next moment Ella jumps on Sharon's back and in a calculated move throws her onto the ground. Kabbak moves in for the kill and is now pressing his sword against her neck. In the process, Sharon has lost her sword and is now at the mercy of Kabbak. Erik is standing a few centimetres away with a sheepish look on his face. Samson runs toward them.

"Please don't! Don't kill her!!!!!"

"Do you surrender?" Asks Kabbak with a metal voice.

"Yes! Yes! Just let her go, please!"

And with that said, the battle is over. Sharon gets up from the ground with an embarrassed look on her face. Ignoring Samson's glare and the entertaining look of Erik she manages a smile. Samson immediately realizes what is going on and also for the first time in his life, he feels the emotion of jealousy. Never before had he experienced this feeling.

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Keeping to the code of Fridge Warriors, Samson and Sharon are now leading their Clan off the battlefield. For the first time, they have been defeated because, in a moment of weakness, Sharon dropped her guard and almost instantly had a sword against her neck.

The McSword Clan are handing out high fives and hugs to each other – they won the battle and are smothered with prestige and honour.

The McBruntels have lost and with heads low, they leave the battlefield.

Love is a strange thing..